Labor Day Weekend

September 2, 2007 The beginning of the long goodbye.

My brother in law called and asked if we’d mind if his wife, his father and mother would come up for the weekend. The men would go to a steam show, look at old engines and farm machinery and the women would hang out at the pool and maybe shop. We said sure.

The day after the farm show, my father in law woke up and came in the kitchen. We were making coffee and his first words to me were that he would like to talk to all of us about what we can expect in the next 6 months. I was touched he approached me first. We had a disagreement years ago and I thought the wounds hadn’t healed. I always felt like a daughter to him, and I guess I still was. He said he probably only has 6 months left and he wanted everyone to know what to expect. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and it is progressing.

I asked him when he would like to do that. He said well maybe you could come to see us. Later, I told my mother in law his request and wondered if we shouldn’t do it now while he still remembered he asked. When I had an opportunity, I hoped he’d remember and suggested that maybe we could talk now. He remembered and agreed.

In a private moment before we were all to gather, I was able to share with him how I am proud of the good job he did raising his family. He raised great kids and they are all good people. I assured him that he and his wife will be looked after.

We were all gathered in the screened in porch by the pool, the two oldest sons and daughters in law and his wife. It was momentous, the beginning of that long goodbye. He started telling us that he wanted us to be prepared. He had been given a book on what to expect as he crossed into Alzheimer’s and then death. He never said the word, but he said there was no cure and he has it.

He confessed to memory loss and problems reacting, mostly relating to his frustrations. He confessed to self destructive thoughts, but didn’t have the courage. He was very tender and loving and wanted in essence to say his goodbyes. To tell the boys he loved them, to settle some affairs.

He said he wants us to be prepared, to know what to expect of him, how to communicate act around him. He said he couldn’t remember things from one minute to the next. We expressed fears about him wandering off and forgetting where he is. He doesn't want to be put into a home. But he prefaced that request with the facts. “I suppose I will have to because I will get too hard to handle.”

The two oldest boys have recently taken responsibility for him and their mother. They are now in charge. The boys (my husband one of them) were quiet. They listened like two grade school boys being given a grave assignment. It was uncomfortable because none of them talk about their feelings or anything emotional. Before I came along, the first daughter in law, no one hugged or expressed emotions.

He talked about the finances, living arrangements. He offered to give us reading he has on what to expect, how to communicate with him and how to handle the disease. He took charge and I was amazed at his bravery.

The conversation left us exhausted. We were touched at his courage in bringing up the subject of his terminal condition. He has never been known to be forthcoming, more resigned and reserved.

It left us wanting to love him thoroughly and sincerely before he forgets who we are. Let the love fest begin.